Good day

Today I did something amazing. I did something, for me, so mind-blowing I can't quite take it in.

This just the smallest step but this evening I genuinely feel as though by the end of this year (perhaps sooner) I will be a driver. I can hardly believe I drove. I started the engine. I moved off from the kerb, waited for an oncoming bus and then pulled around the parked car and drove down the road. Okay, the lovely Rhona was telling me exactly what to do at every tiny stage of the way and my legs didn't really know what they were doing but I didn't panic, I didn't cry, I stayed calm and even (sshh) enjoyed it, something I could not have anticipated, even this morning.

I am still picturing myself making the car go in broadly the right direction with something of a sense of glee. Apparently this has made me very smiley today. This, as you all know, happens very rarely. Today, therefore, is a good day.

Epiphany

This week has been a little like gifts from the magi, not, you understand, that anyone has delivered gold frankincense or myrrh, but in the surprise of a series of small silver linings.

In global terms, or even in normal terms, I have achieved nothing but for me I have been able to move forward on things that have felt impossible for a long time.

Next Wednesday I have my first ever driving lesson and today I am contacting a guy called Barrie in Saltash about a new allotment through landshare.

The kitchen is sorted, the washing, whilst not in any way under control, is atleast in some sort of attrition. I feel like I am winning small battles instead of constantly losing the war.

I am sure that once I get my hands back in the earth, the world will seem a better place. Those of you who know me, know that I am not at all new-agey: too buttoned up to be barefoot but there are fundamental things that I believe people should do for their own wellbeing, and growing things is one of them.

I am also trying to do a little writing to let out some of the torrent of feelings in a controlled way, so I'm afraid you may have to deal with more of my musings than you have been accustomed to.

Can do

I am feeling very odd.

Today was the first day back at work and of course, I am not there. To say that this is, in many ways, a huge relief is a massive understatement. The relief is tinged with real fear about the future and I waiver wildly between feeling unusual optimism and the pit of despair. Ho hum. To give up a job, any job, seems foolish and melodramatic but to give up something that is making you sick to the bottom of your soul ....

Aside from all the mental turmoil, today I have achieved the following:

• steam cleaned the kitchen


• reported our broken boiler and am awaiting boiler repairman (no mean feat when you are not even inclined to let your own mother into the house of doom)


• tidied the living room (almost took down tree but twelth night paranoia stopped me)


• made lentil soup with Christmas ham stock


• phoned Carers Champions


• phoned Simply Counselling (a counselling service for stroke survivors and their families)

I thought I was on a fairly even keel with it all but when I was leaving Simply Counselling a message I got quite choked. I do feel robbed and bereft and angry, so very angry ...

I am now waiting for DWP to phone so I may do some baking - it's a bit like fags and buses - they are bound to phone when I am elbow deep in flour.

In other news, Adult Social Care have granted me a lovely amount of money in order to purchase some driving lessons, so hooray for them

Happy New Year

For every season there is change, change, change.

To all my friends I have recently said goodbye to, until I started working for schools this was a significant part of my life and this seems like the right time to start again.

I have been low and unwell for most of the holidays but am now beginning to feel a little better. Some might say that this has all been a reaction to the lack of adrenaline (stress); let me assure you there has been no real lack of stress.

As some of my blog friends will know John has had another stroke (October 15th) and as we are still, only now, beginning to really pick apart the problems that his first two strokes have left him with; things are not easy in the house of Weevil

So time to get back to basics: time to write and read; time to grow and sow; time to love and be loved.

A very happy New Year to all of my friends, old and new.